Not very long ago my elderly mother drove
herself and her friend to Walmart. Backing into a parking spot, she miscalculated
her turn and hit another car. (No damage done and no one was injured.) Mom, who was in her
eighties at the time, pulled away from the car and promptly swung into another
more accessible parking spot, at which time both she and her friend casually exited
the car and continued their shopping expedition. (I should note that until this
occurrence Mom held an exemplary driving record.)
My sister, the owner of the car and my
mother’s “caregiver,” became aware of this misdemeanor when the insurance
company called her with details. It seems that a bystander had witnessed the
event and made the report. Mom came clean when my sister confronted her with
the indisputable details. So, in a subsequent telephone conversation, we, her daughters,
agreed that since Mom was of the mindset that it was no big deal to hit a car and not report
the accident to the authorities, it was probably time for her to relinquish the car keys
and end her driving career. Thus began a struggle between mother and adult
daughters that has continued to this day – Mom’s struggle to maintain her
independence and her position as matriarch of the family, and her daughters’ determination
to protect her and prevent further infraction with the unsuspecting public.
We’re setting boundaries for our mother; parenting our parent, so to speak.
The conversations have been painful. Our arguments
in favor of limiting Mom’s freedom are shadowed by our desire to allow her the
independence she craves. Quite often we capitulate (except for the driving
thing), throwing up our collective hands in despair. Parenting Mom is unarguably
the most challenging task we’ve undertaken. We understand it’s a task we cannot
shirk, but we don’t like it one bit. The upside is that this has motivated us, the daughters, to initiate the conversation early with our own adult children. Jim Comer gives great advice about how to start the conversation on his own blog: www.parenting-your-parents.com/blog.
Have you had “the conversation” with your aging
parents?
How did you start the conversation? Maxine
